I'm trying to float. There is much that is fluid in my life these days -- home, work, friends, attractions, even identity. And my sense is that I simply have to accept not knowing and be okay with it. One definition of float that resonated with my current state is "to be suspended freely in a liquid or gas."
Suspend. Suspense. What's next?
Freely I am able to discover what's next.
I need patience and faith. Patience, because some of this stuff will be resolved. I will make decisions when I'm ready. The cosmos will have a say or two. Faith because as I am freely suspended I find I need to believe in something -- my self? My internal integrity -- something that keeps me, the being, held together when I could just got floating away in a hundred thousand little pieces.
Damn stupid words and my brain. I've been struggling to put any of the varied and surprising feelings I've been having over the past few weeks into a sentence. I feel ... confused? clear? both? Yes, both, please. How can that be? But it is. Hot and cold? Hungry and full? Why try to describe? I'm not doing anything simply right now. I can't say.
Can I float?
I don't want to sink. Not just yet.